Saturday, 8 December 2012

Bitchy girls and overdramatics.

 Continuing on from my last post's themes, I thought I'd dedicate this post to more personal experiences...
 I am currently living in a house with 6 other girls at university. Now, this does have it's benefits, let's not get that wrong, I mean, there's usually someone around and there is plenty of other people to talk to if you are avoiding one of them.
 However, sadly, I am here to talk of the downfalls of living with girls and well, girls in general. I recently had a catch up with one of my best friends from home who commented that "no-one will ever match the friends we have at home." And sadly, this is something I consider to be, on the whole, the truth. The friendship group we have at home is remarkable; we spend the whole time laughing our heads off at each other's stories, jokes and general taking the absolute piss out of each other.
 At university, most of the girls can't handle having the piss being taken out of them and get offended at the slightest joke that would mark their otherwise perfect exterior. If you said, as a joke, "you've got more chins that a chinese phonebook" (which let's face it, is hilarious), they would give you an icy stare and instantly start examining themselves in the mirror before declaring "that was SO unnecessary."
 I have to watch what I'm saying half the time in case it would hurt someone's feelings or they wouldn't understand. This isn't everyone and this isn't constant but it's a fair bit of the time. I would never have to worry about ANY of that with my friends at home. Some people would argue it's a matter of how long you've known each other; I disagree. I've know them for almost a year and a half now, plenty of time. Plus, there are some of my more special friends here who have been able to take the banter from day one.
 The dramatics, as well, can get very tiresome. Everyone talking about someone to someone else and analysing every single look, action and word. It's ridiculous and too time consuming. People are declaring "there will be drama tonight," making it almost happen from their very words.
 I don't understand why this has to be the case. Can't we all just avoid the people as best as we can that we don't get on with? 
 Girls will lose too much time in life bitching about other girls and worrying about what other people have said about them. Life's too short.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Small rant.

 I just need to let out a small rant. Nothing major but my goodness aren't there just some BITCHY people in the world. I have been on the receiving end of it sometimes and have also seen many others been on the receiving end of it and all I can say is WHY?! Yes, of course, everyone should express how they feel but why behind each other's backs and why make snide comments? It can ruin someone's day for no good reason and is completely unnecessary. However, I think that's just how girls (and boys) are. They need to make themselves feel better and so bitch about others. It's not nice and it certainly shouldn't make you feel better about yourselves.

Sunday, 18 November 2012


 They say you learn from your mistakes but I am sad to say I do not always do that. In fact, I tend to repeat them. Several times. 
 I'm not sure what it is in my brain that doesn't allow me to comprehend that something was bad and not do it again.
 For example, I really must not get SO drunk. To be fair, I definitely don't get as drunk as often as I used to but when I do it's not always pretty. I should understand that it doesn't look good and I end up massively embarrassing myself and regretting everything. 

 Take today, I am hungover, tired and cringing at last night's activities. I was a wreck and everyone could tell. It's not a good look and it's not something I want to be known/remembered for. I need to take control of situations and ask myself if what I'm doing is a good idea (which usually, it isn't).

Thursday, 8 November 2012


 I've never really thought of myself as a jealous person... because in comparison to many people I am not. However, sometimes, I cannot help myself being overwhelmed by it. It's an ugly, ugly emotion but one that will not go away just by willing it too.
 For example, I am so so happy and grateful I have the group of friends I do. Truly I am. But sometimes, here at university, people I consider my friends, people who have met each other through me, I feel almost jealous that they become friends in their own right. This isn't a common thing and it certainly isn't in many cases at all. But when two of your best friends start seeing each other without you, you can't help but feel a sense of jealousy and loneliness, "why wasn't I invited?" Thing is, you can't say this to someone. It just sounds so petty and childish. Because it is. It's not that they like you any less, they just begin to like someone more. However, I cannot rationalise that to my own head. I keep telling myself stop this. Time wasting. I KNOW I'm being ridiculous but I also know I can't help myself.

 (Completely irrelevant but also always relevant picture of Evan Peters being ridiculously beautiful as always)

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Second year and reflection.

 So, I've started the second year of university. I have to say over summer I hadn't thought about it much, didn't really consider the implications of passing my first year...
 As soon as we got back it was really nice to just reconnect with my friends and experience the fun of living in a house together and the benefits that can provide.
 (the girls I'm living with)
 Already I've had an argument with arguably one of my closest friends here after a drunken night out in which she decided to yell abuse at me. It was all resolved but not as quickly and neatly as I would have liked. It would be naive of me to expect freshers week to go untarnished. It had been amazing up until that point... 8 nights out in a row, working as a 'Freshers' Angel' (which involved looking after the first years of the halls I used to live in) and generally getting drunk with my friends. Dressing up is not my strong point but I have to say I did have some fun with it...
 Lectures then started in the second week and it all got so intense, so fast. Over summer, I've almost forgotten how to write let alone remember how to focus in concentrated periods of time. It's taken a bit of getting used to. And of course, it is now second year so everything is twice as hard with twice as much work to do. I have 3 9am starts this year compared to the measly one last year and as anyone who knows me at all will know I do NOT do early starts. It is probably one of my weakest points. Early mornings and me will NEVER be friends. Work has already been set, assignments already being discussed, the work that is needed to be done to get a good grade this year drilled into my brain. 
 I have had some time to reflect on this year and last year and panic is beginning to set in. Lacking motivation is something that is quite common amongst my traits and is a real problem I aim to overcome. I can get bursts of intense work ethic but the majority of the time is an up hill struggle. It's not that I don't enjoy what I'm studying, I do. It's just there is so much more fun to be had! Again, anyone who remotely knows me knows that partying is my favourite hobby.
 (Me at my drunken best)
 However, once me and my friend made up we did have Freshers' Ball to look forward to.  Professor Green is my boy! And Kids in Glass Houses' were sick! That's my kind of university experience... 
 Thinking back over summer, I had it relatively easy and even though you cannot exactly call going to university the hard life, it certainly is hard work. Though compared to some of my friends heavy work loads, I can't complain.
 I'm hoping that this year will be a success at the end. I know it won't be easy and there will definitely be times of struggle but in the end it will all be worth it.
Cheers to that.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Summer 2012

 Summer's over for most and almost over for me. What can I say... 2012 you have given me a GREAT summer. It's been one of the best if not THE best as far as I'm concerned.
 It started off with the glorious reuniting of the Eastbourne friends. 
I literally love these people SO MUCH. My friends are the best. 
 And then I jetted away to sunny Menorca (I think, could be Majorca but pretty sure Menorca) with ye olde parents. Sun, sun, sun, burn, burn, burn. All very fun and lovely. (I didn't take any pictures there, I'm an idiot.)
 I worked quite alot over summer at the joyous nursing home where the threat of catching MRSA plagues me daily. I can't complain though, I need money (even if it's not much) and life skills as my mum would say. She needs to stop saying that though, not everything is a 'life skill'. 
 I literally look like THE biggest turd in my work uniform and have unfortunately had the misfortune of encountering people I know in it who often laugh or take a picture before I can stop them to shame me with. Brilliant.
 This summer I also rejoined the gym which was ambitious to say the least. But I have been going and feeling much better for it. However, I do believe I have been eating more to compensate. Well, you win some, you lose some.
 I went to a mini festival which turned out to be great fun; I had sequin stars glued onto my eyebrows which pulled out half of them when I tried to remove the stars and glitter showered upon me (not too bad). See above for photo evidence.
 Reading festival 2012 also occurred which was it's usual, lovely self. Festivals make a summer.
 (Even if you do end up looking like this.)
 The majority of my time, however, was spent with my best friends getting drunk and having our usual 'messy' monday out and recovering in the park the following day, having drinks and bitching about everyone we know at each other's houses and generally spending as much time as possible together. 
 My cousin got married this year and I have to say the wedding was gorgeous. It was like walking into the film 'Alice in Wonderland'. I've barely been to any weddings and to go to one as beautiful as this made me all lovey-dovey. By myself, of course. If there is someone, I'm sure you'll hear about it.
(Splashed out on this dress [far left] but it's a wedding so it doesn't count, right?!)
The wedding ^^^
 So, that pretty much covers my summer. It's been amazing and everyone that's been part of it is amazing.

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Seriously.. you're an asshole.

 I'm not usually the girl with the guy trouble but recently it seems that's all me and my friends have. He seems to think it's fine to go round telling the 'guys' that he doesn't actually like me, I'm needy and other stupid shit. But then JUST before I found this out, he is quite happy to share a sleeping bag with me... 
 Then ignore me and pretend I don't exist. I do. And now I'm pissed off. Do what you like, seriously, that's fine, but DO NOT bitch about me. It's embarassing, making me look desperate.
 So then my friend liked this guy and all was going well until she found out stuff happened JUST AFTER he slept with someone else. WHAT A PENIS. And my other bestie has not been texted since by a guy after.. events. 
 WHY DO GUYS DO THIS? It is just BEYOND frustrating. 
 (I know this was a very incoherent post but I NEED to vent)

Friday, 31 August 2012

On the plus side..

I'M WATCHING DIE HARD 4.0. Yeah, you go Bruce Willis!

This sums me up so much right now.

Reading Fest '12

 Recently, I've been feeling very emotional. There are some people who have been contributing to that; people who have been messing with me but I had to put that all aside for the time of year that is Reading Festival. I went for the first time last year and had the time of my life. Things couldn't get much better; friends, alcohol and music.
 This year was slightly different, I was going with different friends and of course, there were different bands. 
 It turned out that, of course, it was amazing. I met some HILARIOUS people and became closer with the friends I did go with. Most of the talk (as last year) was crude and filthy. The drinks flowed and the loud singing continued in great abundance. The bands were AMAZING and I definitely saw more music than last year which was a definite plus. It, also, showed me the amount of attractive, young men there are in the world and how you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket (e.g. don't set your sights on the men in the tiny town you live in). 
 However, coming back from Reading is always a happy relief.. a warm bed, a cooked meal, an early night, catching up with my girls. Still, the come down will always come back round.

 Now all I am is emotionally drained. Not sure which is better/worse.

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

You know it's bad when..

You dream about someone. Then you wake up thinking it was real, HOPING it was real. And when you start thinking about someone when you really shouldn't. Keep saying to yourself it's just a phase. And it will be.

I have no right to...

... But I am getting VERY frustrated with this situation that I have got myself in. Expecting things I have no right to expect then getting annoyed as my hopes are getting too high and more and more unrealistic. NOT PRACTICAL. Maybe it's best I am disappointed and upset now and sparing myself later. 

Thursday, 19 July 2012

I just can't play it cool.

 In pretty much every situation in my life I am the last person you would accuse of playing it cool. I am getting better now (hopefully) but I used to be HORRIFIC. I just can't seem to keep a cool head or think clearly in situations that need it most. Actually, only in situations that involve me directly. If someone else is injured or having a problem, I am probably the best person to have there, I just wished that translated to my life.
 For example, if I like a guy I can't simply wait for them to text me or not talk them on Facebook. I HAVE to speak to them. It's like an obsession but then I can get over someone within a matter of days if they do one little thing I don't like. My nature is persistently mercurial. It can get very annoying. It is ten times worse when I am drunk (which is a lot of the time). I do the drunken texting, phone calls, Facebook comments and wake up with a feeling of absolute dread and regret. It used to be the same when I was sober, unable to stop myself from texting someone and playing it cool. Thankfully, I have much more sense in my head nowadays and know that it is NOT attractive. I also know people who are very similar and cringe at how obvious they are when they like someone, reminding myself I act very similarly.
 A lot of the time, I try to cover it up with humour. Make jokes and what not which makes things marginally better but there's still the awkward apology. Texting someone the next day saying 'sorry I rang you last night asking if you loved me'. Not cool, Grace, not cool.

 It's the same if I feel like someone has a problem with me or I have a problem with them. Half the time, I just can't hold my tongue and HAVE to say how I feel. It's something I pride myself on most of the time, having the courage to say how I feel and not being shy and retiring but then other times I think to myself, did I really have to say that? 
 I truly envy those people who don't reply to a text for a couple of hours, keeping a guy waiting. The people who never reveal their true emotions too obviously and play it cool. The people who only express their opinions when it's something they really believe in and ignore all the snide remarks made about them. 
 But, if things are progressing in the right direction then maybe one day I'll be out one night and won't feel the need to send an emotional text.
 One day.

Sunday, 15 July 2012

What's been happening recently

 I haven't blogged in a while and really feel like doing a post of updates and thoughts rather than my usual rant or indepth *cough* thoughts.
 I am at home at the moment, actually enjoying it. I've caught up with friends I haven't seen in months, got drunk multiple times and actually been doing a bit of work. So far, so good. I got back from Menorca 2 days ago and had a great, relaxing time with my parents. And usually spending time with my parents is anything but relaxing. I actually did some reading, which considering I'm doing an English degree, you would consider to be a normality but sadly it is not. 
 Today, oddly, I saw 'Magic Mike' with my best friend and ... my mum. I'm not even sure how that happened. My mum spent most of the time laughing or making whooping noises at the male strippers on the screen. Not sure I can actually blame her...
 I'm loving being back with my best friends and reminding myself how much I love them, despite how much we bicker! I really do miss being home; when I'm here I'm reminded of how many lovely people I know here and how much fun we have. There's the flip side, of course, of the absolute twats who inhabit Eastbourne also. And so it's the same as it's always been. Sometimes, I don't like change and so consistency here can be a good thing. That's not to say everything's completely the same though; I'm finding it interesting to see how some people have changed since staying at home and not having their friends around or how people who have gone to university have changed. 
 Some of my friends have now become into heavy drug-taking or the lighter abuse of alcohol (which they had never properly touched before). Some people think they're fucking 'it' and think they are high and mighty since mingling with 'cooler' people. Some people can no longer give you the time of day. However, it is important to point out the people who have stayed the same, mainly my closest friends. They're still as funny and lovely and kind as ever. And we're still as close as ever. The best kind of friendship.
(I don't see us changing much)

 Oh, yeah, very importantly, I PASSED MY FIRST YEAR!!! How did that happen?! No one 
knows. I actually got a fairly decent grade as well. Pretty proud of myself. 

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

First year at uni.

Wow, where to start?! Your first year at university is probably one of the biggest years of your life. For most people it is the year you leave your parents and home, the time to gain your independence. I was so worried before starting Reading University; worried people would hate me, I wouldn't fit in, that I would miss my friends and family, that I couldn't cope living by myself, that uni life wasn't for me, that I would actually end up hating my course, that I'd be lonely. Turns out I didn't have much to worry about. Like everything, university has had its ups and downs. 
The ups are that I met the most amazing people, many of them I hope to be life-long friends, I partied all year long, I enjoyed my course, I loved my accommodation and the people in it and I enjoyed my independence. Of course, there were wobbles when I felt low and wanted my family but I believe that happens to everyone!
(Some of my uni buds on my birthday)

To end the year, we had summer ball which was probably one of the best nights of my life. We danced all night long, without a care in the world and just living the high life.
The before and after pictures are quite a sight so I shall share them with you.
Quite the transformation.
Summer ball summed up pretty much how I felt the first year of uni went, PARTY WITH FRIENDS.
There have been many an argument this year, lots of drunken crying and drunken laughing; break-ups and make-ups but I think it's made us all stronger and better friends.
All I can hope is that I pass this year of uni (unlikely), have an awesome summer and hopefully a smashing second year!
Reading University, I love you.

Monday, 28 May 2012

I'm 19. Oh no.

This may sound totally ridiculous but I can't believe that I am 19. TIME FLIES. Parents, grandparents, teachers, everyone warns you but you don't believe it when you're young and free. I am now in my last year of being a teenager and it SUCKS. Inside I am still a silly, immature 14 year old who just wants to have a laugh with her friends and listen to angsty music. I do not feel in the slightest way prepared for impending adulthood. 
18 was a comfortable age, I could now legally do everything I'd been doing for years before and yet could still act silly and have my meals cooked for me. University has, of course, been a maturing experience. I have learnt lots, become much more independent and (a little bit) more sensible. But not enough. People have kids when they are 16, there are glamour models who are 17 and people moving out to live alone when they are 18. I can simply not imagine doing this.
I don't think it's necessarily just me either. Obviously, there are plenty more people who are much more mature and sensible than me but many are just the same as myself. 19 is an age at which you know that soon you are going to be in the most exciting decade of your life. This is the decade when a career becomes clear to you, you may get engaged/married and have a child or two, you know who your lifelong friends are, you have travelled the world etc. It seems to all happen.
I don't feel at the stage of my life yet, I feel like I still need to experience many more things before I can fully be in control of my future. I've always said if I could stay at one age, it would probably be 21 (even though I haven't experienced being 21 yet) but if I can't manage being 19, how can that possibly be true?!
Maybe this is all a big overreaction. They said age is just a number after all but society, whatever you say, has innate connotations with ages. 18 - exciting. 21- an adult. 30- reaching maturity. 40- life is just beginning. 50- half a century and so on. 19 isn't seen as a milestone age but it IS the last year (as some see it) of teenage freedom, of being able to have strops and fits because "you're just a teenager." 20, to me, just sounds SO OLD. 
Anyway, that is my little panic over with. I'm sure there are those of you out there who are over 19 and as youthful as ever. I aspire to be like you.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Let's talk about equality.

I think it's time I did a post on something I feel very passionately about. Two nights ago, I ventured, with two of my guy friends (one gay, one not) to a gay bar/club. And it was one of the best nights I've had in a long, long while...
I have always, always, always believed in equality if that means race, gender, size or sexuality. Being homosexual is something that has never struck me as odd. I've always thought that it is totally normal and rational that two men or women could love each other and it completely baffles me when people think otherwise. Like, seriously. How on earth could love be wrong?! I don't get it. I don't get why some thick-headed, ignorant, self-obsessed people think that homosexuality is wrong. It's not. This is my opinion but also something I believe should become general belief. I have many gay friends and have ever since a young age and they have always been close friends of mine. I once got into a fight with some guys who were calling two gay friends of mine I was with offensive names. My friends told me to leave it but I was so full of rage, I just couldn't walk away. Nothing came of it other than my realisation that inequality is one of the most disgusting things in the 21st century and every century before it.
Likewise to racism, homophobia is unfounded and ridiculous. How can the colour of someone's skin determine anything about their personality or their right to life? It can't. We need to learn from past mistakes and make sure that the future generations of people know that equality is and should be (more thoroughly) implicated. Of course, there have been huge steps in progress towards equality over the years which is fantastic but still giant steps left to be made. The idea that one of my best friends can't get married anywhere he would want upsets me greatly and is fundamentally wrong. Leaders of countries around the world claim 'freedom' is ours to take but only to the extents they would happily allow. Freedom should be universal.
Back to my original story, we went to a gay club and it was amazing. I met some wonderful people and had a good old natter with men and women of all ages who had come to have a good time amongst people they felt comfortable around. Two years back, I went to gay pride near my hometown in Brighton. It was also one of the best days I had ever had. The feeling of unity, appreciation and most importantly pride was liberating and fantastic. Everyone had a good time and everyone got on side by side like they should every day of the week.
As homosexuality becomes more and more acceptable in some places, it is still unacceptable in some backward places. And people who are homosexuals live in daily repression and fear. We must work together to combat this inequality and fight for a better future.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Exam stress.

It is has come to that time of year again when exams are all that anybody can think/talk about. The time when everyone is snapping at one another because they are so stressed, either locking themselves in their rooms or the library to study as much as their brains will allow. Some people do stress themselves out so much they become ill and some people don't seem to care at all.
This year, it's university level exams, much more scary and I've found myself living on energy drinks and spending hours in the library. Yet, this year, I have made time so that I can have a break. I have watched a TV programme on iPlayer, gone for a walk with a friend and even had the occasional night out. If I didn't, I think I would have gone crazy (crazier) by now.
The amount of pressure you feel to get it right is immense. People tend to punish themselves if they don't revise for over 4 hours a day or panic and swear they're never going to stop revising until it has all sunk in.
However, what I have noticed, is it at university, revision is less lonely. You can revise in the library surrounded by people, not talking, but it's just nice knowing they're there. That may sound mad but I hate revising in my room all alone. I feel secluded. 
Revision is a pain in the ass, but hopefully it will be all worth it. This is a short post as I've got revising to do (ha) so good luck to all those taking exams and then we can PARTY!

Thursday, 10 May 2012

A nostalgic post.

So, I should be revising right now but instead I am writing to you lovely people. Me and my good friend visited Vue Cinema yesterday to see American Reunion (don't go there, extortionately priced) and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. The American Pie films are some of my favourites and incorporate all sorts of realistic issues. The characters make you laugh beyond belief yet you relate to them in all sorts of ways (something that you don't want to admit).
American Reunion tells the tale of the 'gang' back together for their high school reunion and how their lives have panned out since their school days. It was heart-warming, funny but most of all got me thinking back to my teenage years.
Yes, you may point out that I'm only 18 and so am still a teenager but a lot has changed since I was 13. I mean A LOT. 
I'm happy to say the majority of my best friends have remained the same, plus some new welcome additions.
Looking back at my teenage years, I can only think of them and smile. They seemed so hard back then and of course there were the dark times but so many more good memories. Songs still bring me back to a day hanging out at the local park, underage drinking on the Downs or walking aimlessly around town in an intimidating group. 

My friends were (and still are) the best. We were the 'crazy' ones. The ones who were loud, made ourselves laugh until we were crying and were overdramatic about pretty much everything.
I had a variety of hair colours, from ginger, red, purple, black, brown and now to blonde. I loved to experiment and rebel against what seemed like the strictest parents in the world... coz I had to be home by 1... which I was usually back before anyway.
I used to lie occasionally about what I was doing and where I went but as I got to about 16 that pretty much stopped. I did do a lot of underage drinking, to be fair, as did many of my companions and when I think of how shameless and naive we were... I yearn to be like that now. Carefree and simple. I didn't care what anyone thought of me or said to me. I didn't care if I did something crazy because that was what life was all about. I didn't care if I looked stupid because it made me laugh.
(Yes, that is a woman with a ferret.)
Me and my parents (mainly my mother) argued all the time about everything. I would scream the worst things I could think of and make her very upset. When I think about it now, I can't believe anyone would say that to their mother. Of course, I got very upset too and wanted to tell my mum I was sorry and I didn't mean it but never did. That is one thing that has changed for the better, I am willing to apologise. I'm still stubborn, still get angry, but I know how to deal with it (most of the time) and have reduced my shouting and screaming A LOT.
At school, I wasn't naughty but I wasn't good. I did get in trouble a fair bit but it was mainly for talking. (My non-stop talking hasn't changed a bit.)
I used to wear all black, had ridiculously big hair, wore tons of eyeliner and jewellery. My style was quite out there and to this day, I'm still not exactly mainstream, well not mainstream at all. Let's just put it as different... but I don't get looks of confusion and yells of 'emo' everyday.
In many ways, I'd love to revisit my younger teenage years. To remember exactly how we were but I suppose things are pretty alright now. I went to a ridiculous amount of concerts (and still do), music was (and still is) my life and that really helped me be the person I am today. I cannot regret anything. I look back now and feel sad at the happy memories but must remember there are plenty more to come. In most ways, I haven't changed a single, tiny bit.
We've all moved on from school and college now. Most of us at uni, some still trying to get there and some happy staying in Eastbourne with a job. When I meet now some of the people I knew then, they are barely recognisable yet they always greet me with the same 'It's Grace Gausden!' I wonder what we'll all be like in ten years from now...

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

TV & me.

I've always loved TV and films a lot. That's not to say I spend my entire life devoted to the screen but a fair portion. I love immersing myself in fiction or a reality that will never be mine. I like relating to characters and hating on others. I like imagining myself in the situation the characters find themselves in and wishing I could live in the world they do.
But as we all know, films and TV are not reality. Things don't work out as you always want and there isn't the perfect guy for you (necessarily) lurking around the corner just waiting for you and only you. 
Being the dreamer I am, I do believe in soulmates but I also know deep down that I could well be kidding myself and end up all alone. I believe that everything happens for a reason but in all honestly maybe I am just telling myself that to soften the blow of the latest bad news.
A lot of my favourite TV shows involve mythical characters, for example, American Horror Story, True Blood, the Vampire Diaries and Supernatural. I love the idea of something being out there that the majority don't know about. I fancy many of the characters in these shows and therefore, the actors. But it's so hard to remind oneself that the actor is not the character and the character does not exist. 
I would love to believe that I could be the heroine in one of these shows or films, getting the guy and defeating the baddie. 
One of my favourite quotes comes from Billy Loomis in Scream (one of my favourite ever films)
Life is all one big great movie. You just can't pick the genre.

Friday, 4 May 2012

It's all okay... for now.

I had a shit week last week as you will know if you read my blog. You will also know, if you read my blog, that I believe in having good weeks and bad weeks. That was definitely a bad week and so far this week has been shaping up to be a good week. It's funny how these things work.
I came back to university on the monday, absolutely dreading it. I didn't want to face the people I was angry and upset with because I felt like they weren't there for me but I also didn't want to spend my time alone. So I decided to go and stay with one of my best friends at her university in London. Great idea. 
We went to a cocktail bar and got tipsy, had late night pizza, gossiped for hours on end and discussed the problems each of us were having and how we felt we needed to deal with it. She was a brilliant hostess and gave me fantastic advice, as always. The next day we went to a gorgeous ice cream cafe and that just topped off a fantastic trip.
I then, however, had to return to Reading. As soon as I got back, I made plans to watch one of my favourite films 'Scream' with my flatmate and stock up on chocolate and crisps. A perfect evening in.  The friend I had been upset/annoyed with then text me asking me to come and talk to her. I did and we spoke about how we were feeling and made up, planning to go out later that week and get drunk. And that we did. It was an awesome night and was 100% free of drama or tension. Just what I needed.
I have always made headway on revision (shock) and saw the Avengers (best film ever) to lift my spirits even further. To add a cherry on top, my best friend is going to come and stay with me this weekend in Reading and I CAN'T WAIT.
Clearly, every week can't be a good week but when you are fortunate enough to get one. ENJOY IT.
It's all good, for now.

Friday, 27 April 2012

Worst week ever.

Not to be dramatic, but I've had the worst week ever.
It started off with the previously mentioned bitchy comment then turned into something much bigger. When you are in a bad mood, everything begins to get to you.
So, tuesday I felt awful, worked all day trying to get essays done, stressing myself out about that and feeling genuinely worthless. I then proceeded to have a lack of support from my supposed friends, which was even worse.
Wednesday started off okay and wasn't too bad but had to come back home in the evening because of my flatmate needing an ambulance, not great.
Thursday was the worst. I was hungover to start, had to get up early and get caught in the onslaught of rain. It then turned out that the person who was meant to be my best friend at uni's flatmates told him they were annoyed at me being there all the time coz i was too late or something just as shit. He found it funny and didn't care that I was away this weekend and was upset. 
I told my other 'friends' at university and they also just wanted to talk about themselves which wasn't great. I felt so alone. I got on the train home, great relief in my heart, to be told as soon as I get back that my great uncle died the day before. 
The whole family is in shock as it was not an expected death at all, he wasn't even ill. So that added to the level of shitness that is my life. I've spoken to my real friends and they've made me feel better but I can't see them. I realise how much I miss them and need them. 
They say it can only get better but I'll believe that when I see it.
In the mean time, a picture of me and my bestest buddies.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Emotional teenager.

I am a strange one when it comes to feelings, I believe. Most of the time, I couldn't give a shit about what anyone thinks about me as I like to think I am quite strong-willed. I don't take much crap from anyone. But then, on the odd occasion, someone will make a small comment that could be meant as banter or just being bitchy but no harm meant and I will get highly upset and offended. I'm not sure why, I usually get over these incidents relatively quickly but I wonder to myself what I let people I hardly know and what they think about me bother me. 
Everyone has insecurities and what not but there's not much people can say that keeps me down. I've had my fair share of horrible comments thrown at me and I've learnt to take them on the chin but the occasional one slips through and bothers me. I try to toughen myself up and listen to some inspirational music and talk to some friends but the bit in between is not nice.
I feel a bit like that today and I'm hoping that tomorrow will be better. 

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Is this real life or is it just fantasy?

I'm one of those people who lives half of my life in a dream world, a fantasy. I've always had very vivid, interesting, complicated dreams that I always remember the next day and as they often contain people I know, I bring them into the real world with me and relay them back to my friends, asking what they mean and how strange it was that a certain person did that in my dream or popped up. I love dreaming as it gives me an escape from reality. As, to be honest, reality isn't always that great.
Sometimes, I wish I could mould my own life, determine what imaginative things happen, what handsome men I meet, what adventures I go on. But then, what's life if not a surprise? That's the fun part: the not knowing.
I love films, always have, always will. I like every genre and can easily immerse myself into someone else's life or a make-believe world. I often wish I knew a character or lived in a magical land but that's just not going to happen. I dream in desire of fantasy things.
I know that these things aren't real and fantasies of a different land won't come true but it won't stop me wishing. I just need my reality to become magical.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

I haven't blogged in a while. So much happens in such a short time.

Sorry to all those who read my blog. I haven't blogged in a while. I've missed it.
My blog in a sense is my diary and every now and again I really need to release some thoughts upon unsuspecting victims readers.
I'm back at home at the moment, have been for over 2 weeks and will be for another week and a half. Uni has broken up for the time being.
It's so strange having two places to live. My home that I've always lived in is so lovely to come back to and strangely, sometimes, I do miss my parents and especially my cat, Treacle. Whenever I have to come home, I don't want to leave uni but then as soon as I'm home, I don't want to go back. I reunite with my best friends and we have the best times like we used always have and then I forget the fun I have at university. I go back to the feeling of when I first went to university and the fear of being homesick. Being homesick (in my opinion) is one of the most horrible feelings in the world as you can't really do anything to stop it. I was dreading how homesick I would be when I first went but never really was. I enjoyed it too much. I get pangs of it, of course, on a bad day.
I recently skyped one of my best friends from univeristy for 4 hours. He made me feel alot better about going back to uni as I remembered how much I adore him. And another of my good friends is coming down to where I live tomorrow and I get to see her.
If I think about it, there is nothing to stay at home for when my friends have gone but I do miss them terribly. I remember how much they accept me for me, however foolish and stupid I can be. They know me inside out and are the weirdest bunch of people I have ever met, which is great coz I am even weirder.
My friends at uni are great but I do wonder sometimes, can they ever compare? I hate to ask it but sometimes I'm not sure.
I will leave you with a brilliant quote from Jack Dawson (Titanic 3D is the best thing ever, go watch it)
"I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You have to learn to take life as it comes to you... to make each day count."

Sunday, 5 February 2012

I believe in good weeks and bad weeks.

I do believe in fate, karma and what not. I also believe that you can have good weeks and bad weeks. This week was a good week. I sorted out a house for next year at uni, I had drinks with friends and had a good laugh, I didn't miss any lectures or seminars, I met my friend's boyfriend and adored him, I saw We Will Rock You (fkin amazing), frolicked in the snow and had an awesome night last night. Of course, I did something embarassing but that is just to be expected. All in all, I am happy at the moment. But knowing my luck and how my life likes to work, who knows how next week will go?! One can only hope it will be good.
Yeah, last night was amusing.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

It's not alcoholism.

I've been thinking recently about the amount of alcohol I and many others consume as your stereotypical teenager. Obviously, everyone is different but myself and friends of mine and alot of people I know are big drinkers and drink alot of alcohol every week. This is sometimes seen as the norm and other times seen as a big problem. I, personally, enjoy drinking and alcohol much more than I probably should. I get bored in a week if I can't have a drink and go out, party and do stupid/fun things. Sometimes, situations arise because of this that aren't great but that is the risk you take when you choose to live your life like this. Being at uni is seen as a great oppurtunity to do whatever you want and drinking is seen as a big part of this. And it is true. I drink alot more than I used to but that is saying something as I used to drink alot at home, also.
Now, this doesn't make us alcoholics but clearly there are many dangers with this. I'm the last person to preach or make a change but my drinking has got out of hand before. I wonder now where the line is drawn between a serious problem and just having fun.
This weekend, for example, I properly encountered my first drunk aggressive male. I went back to a friends after an awesome night out and instead I met his friend who slapped me in the face and as I drunkenly went to retaliate, he snapped and said some very nasty things to me. He then drunkenly apologised and I drunkenly accepted but I still haven't had the best weekend because of it.
I am now wondering, whether I'll be able to stop going out and getting so drunk because of it. I want to try. Feeling shit over something like that isn't worth it but is unavoidable.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

A happy post.

Time for some positivity. Last night, I had one of the best nights I've had in a very long time. It was drama free, with people I adore, meeting new people and actually just having a swell time. Of course, I am suffering drastically today after getting in at 4:15am and attempting to get up for my 9 o'clock lecture and failing. I looked hideous all day and felt like shit but it seemed a small price to pay for having an eventful (in a good way) evening.
It is very rare I have a  night like that, they're either average or disastrous with the occassional very fun night thrown in for good measure. I didn't do anything particularly cringy, I laughed til I cried, ate a whole pack of coco pops after a bottle of vodka and promptly threw up. Turns out cereal and water aren't that fantastic together.
I have annoyingly high expectations for the next night now which isn't so good as it will surely disappoint but last night, I felt brilliant.
A picture from another rare brilliant night out.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012


Update after the last post: me and the girl are all cool. I'm still the only one who has apologised and she accepted it so that is that. It's time to move on and concentrate on more important things. Had an awesome week after that, saw We Are The Ocean, caught the drummer's drumstick, went out and had the best time at the union on saturday and chilled with my girls on sunday. Now it's the week after and uni work is beginning to kick in. I really am one of the less motivated, students and am not doing particularly brilliantly thus far. I try so hard to concentrate but my brain literally always wanders onto something else and it's so fricking annoying. Yes, I got into uni but that took bloody effort and tons of luck. MASSIVE STRESS. Also trying to sort out a flipping house for next year is tense times.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about what I have come to realise about bitchiness and bitches. There are some girls, I hate to say it, who we all agree on, are bitches. There's no way around it, no good thing we can see that they have done ever in their lives. Obviously, everyone acts like a bitch and bitches sometimes (or alot of the time) but that doesn't make them a bitch. Some people, however, seem to have it engrained into their soul that they must be horrible to everyone else to make themselves feel and look better to other people. And it's stupid. Being at uni, I have chilled out quite alot and despite the past incident, I do feel like I've matured and got over alot of stupid, childish, bitchy things. If I've got something to say, you'll hear it to your face and we will talk it out. I can't be doing with behind the back drama. It's too much nowadays.
There aren't many girls at uni like that but I am still aware of some people who thrive on drama and bitchiness. It's pathetic. All everyone should want in life is to be happy and I can't see how making other people feel bad can make you feel better.
Fair enough, I think that the people doing the bitching deserve abit of karma but they might learn from that.
More drama to add is my ridiculous drunken texting and calling. It is getting severely cringy yet after a couple of drinks I can't seem to help myself. I am embarassing myself and generally being a prat. Thus is my life.
This is me as a cat. One of my less shameful antics.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Guilt. Regret. Hate.

After my last blog post, I still feel like shit. I really feel like a horrible, horrible human being yet annoyed that I willingly took all the blame for what was a group's actions. Everyone is backing me up, saying not to worry but they aren't being scrutinsed for it.
I never knowingly do mean or horrible things as I consciously now how actions make other people feel. I am not that bitch who everyone is scared of and I deserve to be punished for my actions.
I regret what happened, I feel guilty about it and I hate myself for it.
Today and yesterday have not been good days.

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

I am a horrible person.

Tonight, I've been the biggest bitch imaginable. I've never, ever been so horrible. I don't know what came over me.
Basically, there's this girl who is one of my best friends at uni's flatmate. She has never been sociable or particularly nice but never horrible. Tonight, I was relatively tipsy but not drunk and began to throw jelly at her door with my friend. I was trying to make my inconsolable friend who didn't like this girl feel better by attacking someone else. Absolutely awful. Several of my other friends came in and did the same, asking why we were doing this, I said "because she is a massive bitch and not someone anyone else likes".
What I didn't realise was that she was in her room and heard everything. She came out and understandably screamed at me.
I don't know her that well and I was horrific. I have never sunk lower. How do you recover from such a thing? I don't know, I haven't figured it out. All I know is that I am worse than she'll ever be.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Back at uni.

So I'm back at uni, have been for only two days and already the drama has started. One night out and a new set of memories. Already my friend has ended it with the guy she was seeing, with endless crying, my flatmates have been getting it on with each other and new guys have arrived on the scene.
One drunken evening can make it seem like you've been back at uni for a week. My NYE resolution has stood up so far so I'm happy: no shameful activities thus far. Apart from defacing my flatmates room when he accidentally left it open after going out for a night. (All in good fun mwaha)
Waking up this morning (with a fresh hangover), one of my friends was in A & E, one of them was crying their eyes out about last night and the others were laughing hysterically at our antics i.e. getting with my female flatmate to make a guy jealous. Which worked if you were wondering...
Leaving home to come back to uni was stressful, I didn't wanna leave my friends and family but being back reminds me of the fun there is to be had here.
We live in our own little world here, in which we only travel to campus and to town. Everyone is so involved with each other here, it is easy to forget the "outside" world. And then you can get a shocking reminder that there is a world outside of university and suddenly you're not sure what is reality.
(A picture of happy, drunken, uni times)

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Trivial post on people I find fit.

Whenever I'm down or when I'm happy or actually in any state at all, I like to reflect on those fortunate people in life who have been blessed with godly (and ungodly) looks. Those people who automatically make you feel depressed yet exhilirated at the same time.. just by looking at their face. Everyone has a different perspective on beauty but there are some people who you cannot just argue are ugly. This is a very shallow, trivial, unmeaningful post but one I have been tempted to make for a while.
So, here it is. People whose face (and body) I am in love with.
1) Frank Iero.
2) Gerard Way
3) Mikey Way
4) Ray Toro
5) Evan Peters

6) Billy Martin

7) Oli Sykes
8) Johnny Depp

9) Jensen Ackles

10) Jared Padalecki

11) Ryan Kwanten

12) Chris Hemsworth

13) Rupert Grint
14) Heath Ledger
15) Aaron Johnson
16) Chris Pine

17) Torres
And so many , many more.