Monday, 28 May 2012

I'm 19. Oh no.

This may sound totally ridiculous but I can't believe that I am 19. TIME FLIES. Parents, grandparents, teachers, everyone warns you but you don't believe it when you're young and free. I am now in my last year of being a teenager and it SUCKS. Inside I am still a silly, immature 14 year old who just wants to have a laugh with her friends and listen to angsty music. I do not feel in the slightest way prepared for impending adulthood. 
18 was a comfortable age, I could now legally do everything I'd been doing for years before and yet could still act silly and have my meals cooked for me. University has, of course, been a maturing experience. I have learnt lots, become much more independent and (a little bit) more sensible. But not enough. People have kids when they are 16, there are glamour models who are 17 and people moving out to live alone when they are 18. I can simply not imagine doing this.
I don't think it's necessarily just me either. Obviously, there are plenty more people who are much more mature and sensible than me but many are just the same as myself. 19 is an age at which you know that soon you are going to be in the most exciting decade of your life. This is the decade when a career becomes clear to you, you may get engaged/married and have a child or two, you know who your lifelong friends are, you have travelled the world etc. It seems to all happen.
I don't feel at the stage of my life yet, I feel like I still need to experience many more things before I can fully be in control of my future. I've always said if I could stay at one age, it would probably be 21 (even though I haven't experienced being 21 yet) but if I can't manage being 19, how can that possibly be true?!
Maybe this is all a big overreaction. They said age is just a number after all but society, whatever you say, has innate connotations with ages. 18 - exciting. 21- an adult. 30- reaching maturity. 40- life is just beginning. 50- half a century and so on. 19 isn't seen as a milestone age but it IS the last year (as some see it) of teenage freedom, of being able to have strops and fits because "you're just a teenager." 20, to me, just sounds SO OLD. 
Anyway, that is my little panic over with. I'm sure there are those of you out there who are over 19 and as youthful as ever. I aspire to be like you.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Let's talk about equality.

I think it's time I did a post on something I feel very passionately about. Two nights ago, I ventured, with two of my guy friends (one gay, one not) to a gay bar/club. And it was one of the best nights I've had in a long, long while...
I have always, always, always believed in equality if that means race, gender, size or sexuality. Being homosexual is something that has never struck me as odd. I've always thought that it is totally normal and rational that two men or women could love each other and it completely baffles me when people think otherwise. Like, seriously. How on earth could love be wrong?! I don't get it. I don't get why some thick-headed, ignorant, self-obsessed people think that homosexuality is wrong. It's not. This is my opinion but also something I believe should become general belief. I have many gay friends and have ever since a young age and they have always been close friends of mine. I once got into a fight with some guys who were calling two gay friends of mine I was with offensive names. My friends told me to leave it but I was so full of rage, I just couldn't walk away. Nothing came of it other than my realisation that inequality is one of the most disgusting things in the 21st century and every century before it.
Likewise to racism, homophobia is unfounded and ridiculous. How can the colour of someone's skin determine anything about their personality or their right to life? It can't. We need to learn from past mistakes and make sure that the future generations of people know that equality is and should be (more thoroughly) implicated. Of course, there have been huge steps in progress towards equality over the years which is fantastic but still giant steps left to be made. The idea that one of my best friends can't get married anywhere he would want upsets me greatly and is fundamentally wrong. Leaders of countries around the world claim 'freedom' is ours to take but only to the extents they would happily allow. Freedom should be universal.
Back to my original story, we went to a gay club and it was amazing. I met some wonderful people and had a good old natter with men and women of all ages who had come to have a good time amongst people they felt comfortable around. Two years back, I went to gay pride near my hometown in Brighton. It was also one of the best days I had ever had. The feeling of unity, appreciation and most importantly pride was liberating and fantastic. Everyone had a good time and everyone got on side by side like they should every day of the week.
As homosexuality becomes more and more acceptable in some places, it is still unacceptable in some backward places. And people who are homosexuals live in daily repression and fear. We must work together to combat this inequality and fight for a better future.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Exam stress.

It is has come to that time of year again when exams are all that anybody can think/talk about. The time when everyone is snapping at one another because they are so stressed, either locking themselves in their rooms or the library to study as much as their brains will allow. Some people do stress themselves out so much they become ill and some people don't seem to care at all.
This year, it's university level exams, much more scary and I've found myself living on energy drinks and spending hours in the library. Yet, this year, I have made time so that I can have a break. I have watched a TV programme on iPlayer, gone for a walk with a friend and even had the occasional night out. If I didn't, I think I would have gone crazy (crazier) by now.
The amount of pressure you feel to get it right is immense. People tend to punish themselves if they don't revise for over 4 hours a day or panic and swear they're never going to stop revising until it has all sunk in.
However, what I have noticed, is it at university, revision is less lonely. You can revise in the library surrounded by people, not talking, but it's just nice knowing they're there. That may sound mad but I hate revising in my room all alone. I feel secluded. 
Revision is a pain in the ass, but hopefully it will be all worth it. This is a short post as I've got revising to do (ha) so good luck to all those taking exams and then we can PARTY!

Thursday, 10 May 2012

A nostalgic post.

So, I should be revising right now but instead I am writing to you lovely people. Me and my good friend visited Vue Cinema yesterday to see American Reunion (don't go there, extortionately priced) and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. The American Pie films are some of my favourites and incorporate all sorts of realistic issues. The characters make you laugh beyond belief yet you relate to them in all sorts of ways (something that you don't want to admit).
American Reunion tells the tale of the 'gang' back together for their high school reunion and how their lives have panned out since their school days. It was heart-warming, funny but most of all got me thinking back to my teenage years.
Yes, you may point out that I'm only 18 and so am still a teenager but a lot has changed since I was 13. I mean A LOT. 
I'm happy to say the majority of my best friends have remained the same, plus some new welcome additions.
Looking back at my teenage years, I can only think of them and smile. They seemed so hard back then and of course there were the dark times but so many more good memories. Songs still bring me back to a day hanging out at the local park, underage drinking on the Downs or walking aimlessly around town in an intimidating group. 

My friends were (and still are) the best. We were the 'crazy' ones. The ones who were loud, made ourselves laugh until we were crying and were overdramatic about pretty much everything.
I had a variety of hair colours, from ginger, red, purple, black, brown and now to blonde. I loved to experiment and rebel against what seemed like the strictest parents in the world... coz I had to be home by 1... which I was usually back before anyway.
I used to lie occasionally about what I was doing and where I went but as I got to about 16 that pretty much stopped. I did do a lot of underage drinking, to be fair, as did many of my companions and when I think of how shameless and naive we were... I yearn to be like that now. Carefree and simple. I didn't care what anyone thought of me or said to me. I didn't care if I did something crazy because that was what life was all about. I didn't care if I looked stupid because it made me laugh.
(Yes, that is a woman with a ferret.)
Me and my parents (mainly my mother) argued all the time about everything. I would scream the worst things I could think of and make her very upset. When I think about it now, I can't believe anyone would say that to their mother. Of course, I got very upset too and wanted to tell my mum I was sorry and I didn't mean it but never did. That is one thing that has changed for the better, I am willing to apologise. I'm still stubborn, still get angry, but I know how to deal with it (most of the time) and have reduced my shouting and screaming A LOT.
At school, I wasn't naughty but I wasn't good. I did get in trouble a fair bit but it was mainly for talking. (My non-stop talking hasn't changed a bit.)
I used to wear all black, had ridiculously big hair, wore tons of eyeliner and jewellery. My style was quite out there and to this day, I'm still not exactly mainstream, well not mainstream at all. Let's just put it as different... but I don't get looks of confusion and yells of 'emo' everyday.
In many ways, I'd love to revisit my younger teenage years. To remember exactly how we were but I suppose things are pretty alright now. I went to a ridiculous amount of concerts (and still do), music was (and still is) my life and that really helped me be the person I am today. I cannot regret anything. I look back now and feel sad at the happy memories but must remember there are plenty more to come. In most ways, I haven't changed a single, tiny bit.
We've all moved on from school and college now. Most of us at uni, some still trying to get there and some happy staying in Eastbourne with a job. When I meet now some of the people I knew then, they are barely recognisable yet they always greet me with the same 'It's Grace Gausden!' I wonder what we'll all be like in ten years from now...

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

TV & me.

I've always loved TV and films a lot. That's not to say I spend my entire life devoted to the screen but a fair portion. I love immersing myself in fiction or a reality that will never be mine. I like relating to characters and hating on others. I like imagining myself in the situation the characters find themselves in and wishing I could live in the world they do.
But as we all know, films and TV are not reality. Things don't work out as you always want and there isn't the perfect guy for you (necessarily) lurking around the corner just waiting for you and only you. 
Being the dreamer I am, I do believe in soulmates but I also know deep down that I could well be kidding myself and end up all alone. I believe that everything happens for a reason but in all honestly maybe I am just telling myself that to soften the blow of the latest bad news.
A lot of my favourite TV shows involve mythical characters, for example, American Horror Story, True Blood, the Vampire Diaries and Supernatural. I love the idea of something being out there that the majority don't know about. I fancy many of the characters in these shows and therefore, the actors. But it's so hard to remind oneself that the actor is not the character and the character does not exist. 
I would love to believe that I could be the heroine in one of these shows or films, getting the guy and defeating the baddie. 
One of my favourite quotes comes from Billy Loomis in Scream (one of my favourite ever films)
Life is all one big great movie. You just can't pick the genre.

Friday, 4 May 2012

It's all okay... for now.

I had a shit week last week as you will know if you read my blog. You will also know, if you read my blog, that I believe in having good weeks and bad weeks. That was definitely a bad week and so far this week has been shaping up to be a good week. It's funny how these things work.
I came back to university on the monday, absolutely dreading it. I didn't want to face the people I was angry and upset with because I felt like they weren't there for me but I also didn't want to spend my time alone. So I decided to go and stay with one of my best friends at her university in London. Great idea. 
We went to a cocktail bar and got tipsy, had late night pizza, gossiped for hours on end and discussed the problems each of us were having and how we felt we needed to deal with it. She was a brilliant hostess and gave me fantastic advice, as always. The next day we went to a gorgeous ice cream cafe and that just topped off a fantastic trip.
I then, however, had to return to Reading. As soon as I got back, I made plans to watch one of my favourite films 'Scream' with my flatmate and stock up on chocolate and crisps. A perfect evening in.  The friend I had been upset/annoyed with then text me asking me to come and talk to her. I did and we spoke about how we were feeling and made up, planning to go out later that week and get drunk. And that we did. It was an awesome night and was 100% free of drama or tension. Just what I needed.
I have always made headway on revision (shock) and saw the Avengers (best film ever) to lift my spirits even further. To add a cherry on top, my best friend is going to come and stay with me this weekend in Reading and I CAN'T WAIT.
Clearly, every week can't be a good week but when you are fortunate enough to get one. ENJOY IT.
It's all good, for now.