Sunday, 29 January 2012

It's not alcoholism.

I've been thinking recently about the amount of alcohol I and many others consume as your stereotypical teenager. Obviously, everyone is different but myself and friends of mine and alot of people I know are big drinkers and drink alot of alcohol every week. This is sometimes seen as the norm and other times seen as a big problem. I, personally, enjoy drinking and alcohol much more than I probably should. I get bored in a week if I can't have a drink and go out, party and do stupid/fun things. Sometimes, situations arise because of this that aren't great but that is the risk you take when you choose to live your life like this. Being at uni is seen as a great oppurtunity to do whatever you want and drinking is seen as a big part of this. And it is true. I drink alot more than I used to but that is saying something as I used to drink alot at home, also.
Now, this doesn't make us alcoholics but clearly there are many dangers with this. I'm the last person to preach or make a change but my drinking has got out of hand before. I wonder now where the line is drawn between a serious problem and just having fun.
This weekend, for example, I properly encountered my first drunk aggressive male. I went back to a friends after an awesome night out and instead I met his friend who slapped me in the face and as I drunkenly went to retaliate, he snapped and said some very nasty things to me. He then drunkenly apologised and I drunkenly accepted but I still haven't had the best weekend because of it.
I am now wondering, whether I'll be able to stop going out and getting so drunk because of it. I want to try. Feeling shit over something like that isn't worth it but is unavoidable.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

A happy post.

Time for some positivity. Last night, I had one of the best nights I've had in a very long time. It was drama free, with people I adore, meeting new people and actually just having a swell time. Of course, I am suffering drastically today after getting in at 4:15am and attempting to get up for my 9 o'clock lecture and failing. I looked hideous all day and felt like shit but it seemed a small price to pay for having an eventful (in a good way) evening.
It is very rare I have a  night like that, they're either average or disastrous with the occassional very fun night thrown in for good measure. I didn't do anything particularly cringy, I laughed til I cried, ate a whole pack of coco pops after a bottle of vodka and promptly threw up. Turns out cereal and water aren't that fantastic together.
I have annoyingly high expectations for the next night now which isn't so good as it will surely disappoint but last night, I felt brilliant.
A picture from another rare brilliant night out.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012


Update after the last post: me and the girl are all cool. I'm still the only one who has apologised and she accepted it so that is that. It's time to move on and concentrate on more important things. Had an awesome week after that, saw We Are The Ocean, caught the drummer's drumstick, went out and had the best time at the union on saturday and chilled with my girls on sunday. Now it's the week after and uni work is beginning to kick in. I really am one of the less motivated, students and am not doing particularly brilliantly thus far. I try so hard to concentrate but my brain literally always wanders onto something else and it's so fricking annoying. Yes, I got into uni but that took bloody effort and tons of luck. MASSIVE STRESS. Also trying to sort out a flipping house for next year is tense times.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about what I have come to realise about bitchiness and bitches. There are some girls, I hate to say it, who we all agree on, are bitches. There's no way around it, no good thing we can see that they have done ever in their lives. Obviously, everyone acts like a bitch and bitches sometimes (or alot of the time) but that doesn't make them a bitch. Some people, however, seem to have it engrained into their soul that they must be horrible to everyone else to make themselves feel and look better to other people. And it's stupid. Being at uni, I have chilled out quite alot and despite the past incident, I do feel like I've matured and got over alot of stupid, childish, bitchy things. If I've got something to say, you'll hear it to your face and we will talk it out. I can't be doing with behind the back drama. It's too much nowadays.
There aren't many girls at uni like that but I am still aware of some people who thrive on drama and bitchiness. It's pathetic. All everyone should want in life is to be happy and I can't see how making other people feel bad can make you feel better.
Fair enough, I think that the people doing the bitching deserve abit of karma but they might learn from that.
More drama to add is my ridiculous drunken texting and calling. It is getting severely cringy yet after a couple of drinks I can't seem to help myself. I am embarassing myself and generally being a prat. Thus is my life.
This is me as a cat. One of my less shameful antics.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Guilt. Regret. Hate.

After my last blog post, I still feel like shit. I really feel like a horrible, horrible human being yet annoyed that I willingly took all the blame for what was a group's actions. Everyone is backing me up, saying not to worry but they aren't being scrutinsed for it.
I never knowingly do mean or horrible things as I consciously now how actions make other people feel. I am not that bitch who everyone is scared of and I deserve to be punished for my actions.
I regret what happened, I feel guilty about it and I hate myself for it.
Today and yesterday have not been good days.

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

I am a horrible person.

Tonight, I've been the biggest bitch imaginable. I've never, ever been so horrible. I don't know what came over me.
Basically, there's this girl who is one of my best friends at uni's flatmate. She has never been sociable or particularly nice but never horrible. Tonight, I was relatively tipsy but not drunk and began to throw jelly at her door with my friend. I was trying to make my inconsolable friend who didn't like this girl feel better by attacking someone else. Absolutely awful. Several of my other friends came in and did the same, asking why we were doing this, I said "because she is a massive bitch and not someone anyone else likes".
What I didn't realise was that she was in her room and heard everything. She came out and understandably screamed at me.
I don't know her that well and I was horrific. I have never sunk lower. How do you recover from such a thing? I don't know, I haven't figured it out. All I know is that I am worse than she'll ever be.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Back at uni.

So I'm back at uni, have been for only two days and already the drama has started. One night out and a new set of memories. Already my friend has ended it with the guy she was seeing, with endless crying, my flatmates have been getting it on with each other and new guys have arrived on the scene.
One drunken evening can make it seem like you've been back at uni for a week. My NYE resolution has stood up so far so I'm happy: no shameful activities thus far. Apart from defacing my flatmates room when he accidentally left it open after going out for a night. (All in good fun mwaha)
Waking up this morning (with a fresh hangover), one of my friends was in A & E, one of them was crying their eyes out about last night and the others were laughing hysterically at our antics i.e. getting with my female flatmate to make a guy jealous. Which worked if you were wondering...
Leaving home to come back to uni was stressful, I didn't wanna leave my friends and family but being back reminds me of the fun there is to be had here.
We live in our own little world here, in which we only travel to campus and to town. Everyone is so involved with each other here, it is easy to forget the "outside" world. And then you can get a shocking reminder that there is a world outside of university and suddenly you're not sure what is reality.
(A picture of happy, drunken, uni times)

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Trivial post on people I find fit.

Whenever I'm down or when I'm happy or actually in any state at all, I like to reflect on those fortunate people in life who have been blessed with godly (and ungodly) looks. Those people who automatically make you feel depressed yet exhilirated at the same time.. just by looking at their face. Everyone has a different perspective on beauty but there are some people who you cannot just argue are ugly. This is a very shallow, trivial, unmeaningful post but one I have been tempted to make for a while.
So, here it is. People whose face (and body) I am in love with.
1) Frank Iero.
2) Gerard Way
3) Mikey Way
4) Ray Toro
5) Evan Peters

6) Billy Martin

7) Oli Sykes
8) Johnny Depp

9) Jensen Ackles

10) Jared Padalecki

11) Ryan Kwanten

12) Chris Hemsworth

13) Rupert Grint
14) Heath Ledger
15) Aaron Johnson
16) Chris Pine

17) Torres
And so many , many more.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Let's talk about boys. (and girls)

That sounds patronising, unintentionally. But let's talk about boys.
I'm that girl who's never been in a serious relationship or what you could even call a relationship. I am seriously just not interested in it. I've often thought there is something wrong with me, I mean every girl longs for a relationship, right?! Not me. Sometimes I think I do but as soon as I consider it in detail, I change my mind. A couple of times, I've thought I'm asexual, then I see a gorgeous boy and I'm like no way. Or even a gorgeous girl... (occassionally.)
I find it really ridiculous how when I like a guy then he starts to like me, I immediately go off of him. What is up with that?! He could be the best guy in the world but as soon as his affection starts to show, I'm off like a shot. Not that there's been that many guys to be honest.
One guy (who I adored) asked me if I wanted a relationship because he was so confused by me and I had to say straight to his face, "no." I completely regret it now but he has a new girlfriend, who seems so lovely and pretty and perfect.
I'm not sure if it's just me and I get bored easily or if I seriously need to sort myself out and break through the awkwardness.
I'm sure, however, if there were some guys who offered me love, I just couldn't turn it down...

Monday, 9 January 2012

My bucket list.

I thought it might be fun now at the ripe old age of 18 to compile a bucket list of things I want to do. Some may be realistic, others not so much...
- to meet all of MCR.
-to date a musician.
-to get a tattoo (or several)
-to live in America for an extended period of time
-to bungee jump
-to be in a rock band for at least a day
-to tour the world WITH a rock band
-to meet the perfect guy for me
-to travel the world all over and visit as many countries as possible
-to meet as many people as it is humanly possible
-to have a nose job
-to sleep overnight on a beach on a warm night
-celebrate new year in NYC
-go in a hot air balloon
-ride in a limo (adventurous I know but never done it)
-see the Northern Lights
-meet a tiger and a polar bear and become friends
-change the world in a positive way (ridding the world of homophobia, racism etc)
-be invisible for a day
-see as many live bands as possible
-have a road trip

I could think of hundred more but we only get one life, so why not live it to the full?!
oh and maybe date him?! ^^

"Life is too short" It is but I can't help bloody worrying.

I like to think I live by the expressions "life is too short", "carpe diem," "no regrets" and such things but sometimes I just can't help but panic about things. For example, trying to sort out accomodation for uni next year is becoming such a hassle. Friends you wanna all live with but who don't know each other or don't get along or there's too many people then not enough. Sigh. I get easily worried about things but since uni I've calmed down alot but now I'm back at home, I feel automatically more stressed out. I'm not sure why.
I do live my life how I want and do what I want (with certain limits). I am terrible at tolerating people I don't like, I really have no patience for people who piss me off or are patronising (which to be fair isn't many).
My question here really is will I ever be able to accept that worrying about things does not bring solutions or am I doomed to be constantly anxious?!

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Family secrets.

So, yesterday we had a family gathering on my dad's side of the family, the Gausden side. It's sucha big family that when we all get together, it's craziness.
Secrets came out yesterday that I didn't know about and I'm sure other members of my family didn't. I am continually surprised at how many things a family can cover up. Like the time I discovered a first cousin I had that no one told me about or my cousins. And some family members didn't even know about him. You watch all these programmes on TV about family dramas and think how unrealistic they are or how normal your family is compared to them but when it comes down to it, you'd be surprised at how much you don't know.
What seems like a family perfect is not the same behind closed doors. Arguments no one knows about, surprise divorces, strange reactions to innocent comments, drunken revelations. These things do happen, even if you're not aware of them
Of course, every family is different and I'm sure there are families that are more or less straight edge.
As I get older and I'm revealed more and more family secrets, I wonder if I'm mature enough to handle these things. So far, so good but one day, I'm going to hear something I don't like.

Saturday, 7 January 2012


Friendship is a funny thing. You don't actually have blood ties to these people but yet they feel like family just as much or more so than your real family. They're there for you no matter what, they tell you when you're wrong, they make you laugh like no one has ever done before and you do all the same for them.
I have a small group of best friends of whom I absolutely adore. There isn't much I wouldn't do for them.
I tell them things I wouldn't dare tell anyone else and I know that they wouldn't pass on this information.

And now they're all of going back to uni while I have another week of being home. Thankfully, I have some other close friends I can see as luckily they are not at university or also have another week. I miss my friends SO MUCH when we're all apart. It's hard to describe how much they mean to me. It's like a part of me is missing and I'm lost without it. When we're all back together, everything is just so much better. I'm happier, more confident, more trustworthy and just generally in a better place. They know me better than anyone and even though I love meeting new people, it takes a very long time before I trust them fully and let them know every side of me. Coming back home, I discovered who my true friends are. The ones you thought you'd keep in contact with and don't and then those who you think you weren't so tight with but actually are.

I'm telling you this because last night was the night before we all went our separate ways once again. And to think about that is very painful as even though we have plans to see each other soon, there are no guarantees. And for the next two months back at uni, I'm not sure what I'll do without them.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

But I don't wanna grow up...

As we get older, the implication from most is that we should become more mature. As an 18 (almost 19) year old, I can safely say that is not the case.
I went to the pantomime today, just me and my best friend. We laughed ridiculous amounts both at the adult innuendos yet also at the hilarious childish jokes. I've often been told I'm immature or have a silly sense of humour but at the end of the day, who cares?!
One of my other best friends has recently acquired her first serious boyfriend. It has become very intense very fast and I feel like I hardly see her, especially as we're at separate unis. It feels like she can makes hours of time for him but not a minute for me. That may be unfair as she is falling in love but still. I, personally, will never want to be the person who ditches their best friends (who act like 7 year olds together and love it) for a mature relationship. Not for another couple of years anyway...
Me and my best friends pull funny faces, have stupid, petty arguments like kids and laugh hysterically at the most immature, childish things yet I love it. We enjoy ourselves and act how we want. This may seem irresponsible but as long as we're not killing one another or anyone else, I don't seem the harm in having a little bit of fun. No matter how old you are. Age is just a number after all.

Like Peter Pan, I don't wanna grow up. I like how I am. It's just knowing that one scary day, I might actually have to.

(This is two of my best friends after a drunken night out doing what we do best)

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Music + MCR.

Time to blog about one of my favourite things: music. Now for those who know me, and those who very vaguely know me, know of my undying love for a band called My Chemical Romance. I was always referred to in my younger teenage years as the "MCR girl." I know they are a very controversial band for many reasons. Some people plain hate them and others don't like their style or the way they choose to portray their message but for me they couldn't have done anything more perfect. To say I love them is a massive understatement. They are a HUGE part of my life and I can't envisage a time when they won't be anymore.
I have been through a number of difficult times in my life, as everyone has and I know many people who have been through much worse but there are selfish times when we feel like no one has it worse and it's times like that, that they have picked me up and reminded me to pull myself together, be myself and don't give a shit about what anyone has to say about you because at the end of the day this is YOUR life and you can do whatever the fuck you want to do with it. Their music speaks to me in a way that I don't believe any other band or any other person can. They themselves are amazing individuals who I doubt will ever completely acknowledge their own brilliance. Because they are brilliant. The most brilliant band there is. Now I'm not preaching as everyone has their own opinion of the band but I do think it is important for people to know what they have done for me individually as well as to the millions of fans around the world. I will never be able to see them enough times live but for the 5 times I have seen them live, they have been the best days.

Now onto other music (yes, I do like other bands). I have a very varied taste in music which many people do not expect from me. For example, I bloody love Britney Spears. Always have, always will. That goes for all old skool pop music as well, I just can't get enough of it! S Club, Five, N* Sync, Backstreet Boys... just fantastic. More recently I have become a big fan of dubsteppy, dance music. Anything I can dance to really. But of course, the true musical love of my life will always be rock in it's many forms. I adore Bring Me The Horizon and Oli Sykes (after meeting him and his model gf - damn her beauty!) and The Blackout (Sean Smith took the piss out of my attempt at a welsh accent), Enter Shikari (met them too) and now to stop boasting and get onto bands I haven't met.. Biffy Clyro, Good Charlotte, letlive., Of Mice and Men, Dance Gavin Dance, Paramore, P!ATD, Nirvana, The Clash, BFMV amongst the thousands of others.

Live music is and always will be a blessing.

"Be yourself, don't take anyone's shit and never let them take you alive" - Gerard Way

Tuesday, 3 January 2012


After writing all these things, I wanna share abit more about myself (so egoistical). I'm studying English at uni. I really need to motivate myself more to work, I'm one of those people who constantly needs someone to be like, "come on, you can do this," because quite frankly, I have no hope in hell of doing it myself.
Since being back in my home town of Eastbourne, in the month off from uni, I got back to my roots somewhat and appreciate what I have in my life here so much more. Even my not so glamorous job at a nursing home. I love that I'm near the countryside and that I have the best friends here in the whole wide world who tell me straight away when I'm being a bitch and a disgrace. They are equally as strange as myself and I trust them with the most obscure things. I have time to myself and reconnect with my teenage life. Especially the music.
I go through fazes of downloading hundreds of songs at a time then not for ages and just listening to my thousands of songs from years before. I adore letlive. at the moment and would recommend them to anyone reading.
I believe there is a song out there for every situation and that the best therapy is a melody. My parents brought me up on good music, especially my mother. She knows a tune when she hears one. I've never been gifted musically but have always wanted a career involving it. God knows what I'll turn out to be...
I've realised my blog posts are a random collection of sentences, tenuously strung together to make some sort of legible reading. And for that, I apologise. I intend to make the next one much better constructed.


Throughout my time in life, I have done more than a handful of embarassing, shameful, cringy things. Some I have never shared with anyone, others with my closest friends and some (unfortunately) everyone knows. We've all had these moments when something awful happens, whatever the reason and then everyone finds out or has seen.
Alot of these moments have happened to me when drunk. With *cough* other people or just creating a scene by myself. One of these moments happened to me this NYE and despite my decision not to have any NY resolutions, I then made one, that night.
I must stop getting so crazy and doing stupid things when on a night out or just in general. I lived out my last year's resolution to do everything and live life to the full. But I know now that doesn't necessarily mean getting drunk all the time and generally doing cringy things. I have a guy that actually liked me but because of my drunken actions with someone else, I doubt that had he known he would of no longer been interested. And that upsets me.
SO, 2012 will be the year of fun. Yes, I will drink and go out but I won't be doing things I regret, I won't be messing people around and I will respect everyone else.
This year, I will do what I can to be a better person.
Preaching done.
I will leave you with this drunken picture.