Thursday, 19 July 2012

I just can't play it cool.

 In pretty much every situation in my life I am the last person you would accuse of playing it cool. I am getting better now (hopefully) but I used to be HORRIFIC. I just can't seem to keep a cool head or think clearly in situations that need it most. Actually, only in situations that involve me directly. If someone else is injured or having a problem, I am probably the best person to have there, I just wished that translated to my life.
 For example, if I like a guy I can't simply wait for them to text me or not talk them on Facebook. I HAVE to speak to them. It's like an obsession but then I can get over someone within a matter of days if they do one little thing I don't like. My nature is persistently mercurial. It can get very annoying. It is ten times worse when I am drunk (which is a lot of the time). I do the drunken texting, phone calls, Facebook comments and wake up with a feeling of absolute dread and regret. It used to be the same when I was sober, unable to stop myself from texting someone and playing it cool. Thankfully, I have much more sense in my head nowadays and know that it is NOT attractive. I also know people who are very similar and cringe at how obvious they are when they like someone, reminding myself I act very similarly.
 A lot of the time, I try to cover it up with humour. Make jokes and what not which makes things marginally better but there's still the awkward apology. Texting someone the next day saying 'sorry I rang you last night asking if you loved me'. Not cool, Grace, not cool.

 It's the same if I feel like someone has a problem with me or I have a problem with them. Half the time, I just can't hold my tongue and HAVE to say how I feel. It's something I pride myself on most of the time, having the courage to say how I feel and not being shy and retiring but then other times I think to myself, did I really have to say that? 
 I truly envy those people who don't reply to a text for a couple of hours, keeping a guy waiting. The people who never reveal their true emotions too obviously and play it cool. The people who only express their opinions when it's something they really believe in and ignore all the snide remarks made about them. 
 But, if things are progressing in the right direction then maybe one day I'll be out one night and won't feel the need to send an emotional text.
 One day.

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