I like to think I live by the expressions "life is too short", "carpe diem," "no regrets" and such things but sometimes I just can't help but panic about things. For example, trying to sort out accomodation for uni next year is becoming such a hassle. Friends you wanna all live with but who don't know each other or don't get along or there's too many people then not enough. Sigh. I get easily worried about things but since uni I've calmed down alot but now I'm back at home, I feel automatically more stressed out. I'm not sure why.
I do live my life how I want and do what I want (with certain limits). I am terrible at tolerating people I don't like, I really have no patience for people who piss me off or are patronising (which to be fair isn't many).
My question here really is will I ever be able to accept that worrying about things does not bring solutions or am I doomed to be constantly anxious?!
xo.
Monday, 9 January 2012
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Family secrets.
So, yesterday we had a family gathering on my dad's side of the family, the Gausden side. It's sucha big family that when we all get together, it's craziness.
Secrets came out yesterday that I didn't know about and I'm sure other members of my family didn't. I am continually surprised at how many things a family can cover up. Like the time I discovered a first cousin I had that no one told me about or my cousins. And some family members didn't even know about him. You watch all these programmes on TV about family dramas and think how unrealistic they are or how normal your family is compared to them but when it comes down to it, you'd be surprised at how much you don't know.
What seems like a family perfect is not the same behind closed doors. Arguments no one knows about, surprise divorces, strange reactions to innocent comments, drunken revelations. These things do happen, even if you're not aware of them
Of course, every family is different and I'm sure there are families that are more or less straight edge.
As I get older and I'm revealed more and more family secrets, I wonder if I'm mature enough to handle these things. So far, so good but one day, I'm going to hear something I don't like.
Xo.
Secrets came out yesterday that I didn't know about and I'm sure other members of my family didn't. I am continually surprised at how many things a family can cover up. Like the time I discovered a first cousin I had that no one told me about or my cousins. And some family members didn't even know about him. You watch all these programmes on TV about family dramas and think how unrealistic they are or how normal your family is compared to them but when it comes down to it, you'd be surprised at how much you don't know.
What seems like a family perfect is not the same behind closed doors. Arguments no one knows about, surprise divorces, strange reactions to innocent comments, drunken revelations. These things do happen, even if you're not aware of them
Of course, every family is different and I'm sure there are families that are more or less straight edge.
As I get older and I'm revealed more and more family secrets, I wonder if I'm mature enough to handle these things. So far, so good but one day, I'm going to hear something I don't like.
Xo.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Friendship.
Friendship is a funny thing. You don't actually have blood ties to these people but yet they feel like family just as much or more so than your real family. They're there for you no matter what, they tell you when you're wrong, they make you laugh like no one has ever done before and you do all the same for them.
I have a small group of best friends of whom I absolutely adore. There isn't much I wouldn't do for them.
I tell them things I wouldn't dare tell anyone else and I know that they wouldn't pass on this information.
And now they're all of going back to uni while I have another week of being home. Thankfully, I have some other close friends I can see as luckily they are not at university or also have another week. I miss my friends SO MUCH when we're all apart. It's hard to describe how much they mean to me. It's like a part of me is missing and I'm lost without it. When we're all back together, everything is just so much better. I'm happier, more confident, more trustworthy and just generally in a better place. They know me better than anyone and even though I love meeting new people, it takes a very long time before I trust them fully and let them know every side of me. Coming back home, I discovered who my true friends are. The ones you thought you'd keep in contact with and don't and then those who you think you weren't so tight with but actually are.
I'm telling you this because last night was the night before we all went our separate ways once again. And to think about that is very painful as even though we have plans to see each other soon, there are no guarantees. And for the next two months back at uni, I'm not sure what I'll do without them.
I have a small group of best friends of whom I absolutely adore. There isn't much I wouldn't do for them.
And now they're all of going back to uni while I have another week of being home. Thankfully, I have some other close friends I can see as luckily they are not at university or also have another week. I miss my friends SO MUCH when we're all apart. It's hard to describe how much they mean to me. It's like a part of me is missing and I'm lost without it. When we're all back together, everything is just so much better. I'm happier, more confident, more trustworthy and just generally in a better place. They know me better than anyone and even though I love meeting new people, it takes a very long time before I trust them fully and let them know every side of me. Coming back home, I discovered who my true friends are. The ones you thought you'd keep in contact with and don't and then those who you think you weren't so tight with but actually are.
I'm telling you this because last night was the night before we all went our separate ways once again. And to think about that is very painful as even though we have plans to see each other soon, there are no guarantees. And for the next two months back at uni, I'm not sure what I'll do without them.
Thursday, 5 January 2012
But I don't wanna grow up...
As we get older, the implication from most is that we should become more mature. As an 18 (almost 19) year old, I can safely say that is not the case.
I went to the pantomime today, just me and my best friend. We laughed ridiculous amounts both at the adult innuendos yet also at the hilarious childish jokes. I've often been told I'm immature or have a silly sense of humour but at the end of the day, who cares?!
One of my other best friends has recently acquired her first serious boyfriend. It has become very intense very fast and I feel like I hardly see her, especially as we're at separate unis. It feels like she can makes hours of time for him but not a minute for me. That may be unfair as she is falling in love but still. I, personally, will never want to be the person who ditches their best friends (who act like 7 year olds together and love it) for a mature relationship. Not for another couple of years anyway...
Me and my best friends pull funny faces, have stupid, petty arguments like kids and laugh hysterically at the most immature, childish things yet I love it. We enjoy ourselves and act how we want. This may seem irresponsible but as long as we're not killing one another or anyone else, I don't seem the harm in having a little bit of fun. No matter how old you are. Age is just a number after all.
Like Peter Pan, I don't wanna grow up. I like how I am. It's just knowing that one scary day, I might actually have to.
(This is two of my best friends after a drunken night out doing what we do best)
I went to the pantomime today, just me and my best friend. We laughed ridiculous amounts both at the adult innuendos yet also at the hilarious childish jokes. I've often been told I'm immature or have a silly sense of humour but at the end of the day, who cares?!
One of my other best friends has recently acquired her first serious boyfriend. It has become very intense very fast and I feel like I hardly see her, especially as we're at separate unis. It feels like she can makes hours of time for him but not a minute for me. That may be unfair as she is falling in love but still. I, personally, will never want to be the person who ditches their best friends (who act like 7 year olds together and love it) for a mature relationship. Not for another couple of years anyway...
Me and my best friends pull funny faces, have stupid, petty arguments like kids and laugh hysterically at the most immature, childish things yet I love it. We enjoy ourselves and act how we want. This may seem irresponsible but as long as we're not killing one another or anyone else, I don't seem the harm in having a little bit of fun. No matter how old you are. Age is just a number after all.
Like Peter Pan, I don't wanna grow up. I like how I am. It's just knowing that one scary day, I might actually have to.
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Music + MCR.
Time to blog about one of my favourite things: music. Now for those who know me, and those who very vaguely know me, know of my undying love for a band called My Chemical Romance. I was always referred to in my younger teenage years as the "MCR girl." I know they are a very controversial band for many reasons. Some people plain hate them and others don't like their style or the way they choose to portray their message but for me they couldn't have done anything more perfect. To say I love them is a massive understatement. They are a HUGE part of my life and I can't envisage a time when they won't be anymore.
I have been through a number of difficult times in my life, as everyone has and I know many people who have been through much worse but there are selfish times when we feel like no one has it worse and it's times like that, that they have picked me up and reminded me to pull myself together, be myself and don't give a shit about what anyone has to say about you because at the end of the day this is YOUR life and you can do whatever the fuck you want to do with it. Their music speaks to me in a way that I don't believe any other band or any other person can. They themselves are amazing individuals who I doubt will ever completely acknowledge their own brilliance. Because they are brilliant. The most brilliant band there is. Now I'm not preaching as everyone has their own opinion of the band but I do think it is important for people to know what they have done for me individually as well as to the millions of fans around the world. I will never be able to see them enough times live but for the 5 times I have seen them live, they have been the best days.
Now onto other music (yes, I do like other bands). I have a very varied taste in music which many people do not expect from me. For example, I bloody love Britney Spears. Always have, always will. That goes for all old skool pop music as well, I just can't get enough of it! S Club, Five, N* Sync, Backstreet Boys... just fantastic. More recently I have become a big fan of dubsteppy, dance music. Anything I can dance to really. But of course, the true musical love of my life will always be rock in it's many forms. I adore Bring Me The Horizon and Oli Sykes (after meeting him and his model gf - damn her beauty!) and The Blackout (Sean Smith took the piss out of my attempt at a welsh accent), Enter Shikari (met them too) and now to stop boasting and get onto bands I haven't met.. Biffy Clyro, Good Charlotte, letlive., Of Mice and Men, Dance Gavin Dance, Paramore, P!ATD, Nirvana, The Clash, BFMV amongst the thousands of others.
Live music is and always will be a blessing.
"Be yourself, don't take anyone's shit and never let them take you alive" - Gerard Way
Now onto other music (yes, I do like other bands). I have a very varied taste in music which many people do not expect from me. For example, I bloody love Britney Spears. Always have, always will. That goes for all old skool pop music as well, I just can't get enough of it! S Club, Five, N* Sync, Backstreet Boys... just fantastic. More recently I have become a big fan of dubsteppy, dance music. Anything I can dance to really. But of course, the true musical love of my life will always be rock in it's many forms. I adore Bring Me The Horizon and Oli Sykes (after meeting him and his model gf - damn her beauty!) and The Blackout (Sean Smith took the piss out of my attempt at a welsh accent), Enter Shikari (met them too) and now to stop boasting and get onto bands I haven't met.. Biffy Clyro, Good Charlotte, letlive., Of Mice and Men, Dance Gavin Dance, Paramore, P!ATD, Nirvana, The Clash, BFMV amongst the thousands of others.
Live music is and always will be a blessing.
"Be yourself, don't take anyone's shit and never let them take you alive" - Gerard Way
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Melody.
After writing all these things, I wanna share abit more about myself (so egoistical). I'm studying English at uni. I really need to motivate myself more to work, I'm one of those people who constantly needs someone to be like, "come on, you can do this," because quite frankly, I have no hope in hell of doing it myself.
Since being back in my home town of Eastbourne, in the month off from uni, I got back to my roots somewhat and appreciate what I have in my life here so much more. Even my not so glamorous job at a nursing home. I love that I'm near the countryside and that I have the best friends here in the whole wide world who tell me straight away when I'm being a bitch and a disgrace. They are equally as strange as myself and I trust them with the most obscure things. I have time to myself and reconnect with my teenage life. Especially the music.
I go through fazes of downloading hundreds of songs at a time then not for ages and just listening to my thousands of songs from years before. I adore letlive. at the moment and would recommend them to anyone reading.
I believe there is a song out there for every situation and that the best therapy is a melody. My parents brought me up on good music, especially my mother. She knows a tune when she hears one. I've never been gifted musically but have always wanted a career involving it. God knows what I'll turn out to be...
I've realised my blog posts are a random collection of sentences, tenuously strung together to make some sort of legible reading. And for that, I apologise. I intend to make the next one much better constructed.
Xo.
Since being back in my home town of Eastbourne, in the month off from uni, I got back to my roots somewhat and appreciate what I have in my life here so much more. Even my not so glamorous job at a nursing home. I love that I'm near the countryside and that I have the best friends here in the whole wide world who tell me straight away when I'm being a bitch and a disgrace. They are equally as strange as myself and I trust them with the most obscure things. I have time to myself and reconnect with my teenage life. Especially the music.
I go through fazes of downloading hundreds of songs at a time then not for ages and just listening to my thousands of songs from years before. I adore letlive. at the moment and would recommend them to anyone reading.
I believe there is a song out there for every situation and that the best therapy is a melody. My parents brought me up on good music, especially my mother. She knows a tune when she hears one. I've never been gifted musically but have always wanted a career involving it. God knows what I'll turn out to be...
I've realised my blog posts are a random collection of sentences, tenuously strung together to make some sort of legible reading. And for that, I apologise. I intend to make the next one much better constructed.
Xo.
Shame.
Throughout my time in life, I have done more than a handful of embarassing, shameful, cringy things. Some I have never shared with anyone, others with my closest friends and some (unfortunately) everyone knows. We've all had these moments when something awful happens, whatever the reason and then everyone finds out or has seen.
Alot of these moments have happened to me when drunk. With *cough* other people or just creating a scene by myself. One of these moments happened to me this NYE and despite my decision not to have any NY resolutions, I then made one, that night.
I must stop getting so crazy and doing stupid things when on a night out or just in general. I lived out my last year's resolution to do everything and live life to the full. But I know now that doesn't necessarily mean getting drunk all the time and generally doing cringy things. I have a guy that actually liked me but because of my drunken actions with someone else, I doubt that had he known he would of no longer been interested. And that upsets me.
SO, 2012 will be the year of fun. Yes, I will drink and go out but I won't be doing things I regret, I won't be messing people around and I will respect everyone else.
This year, I will do what I can to be a better person.
Preaching done.
I will leave you with this drunken picture.
Alot of these moments have happened to me when drunk. With *cough* other people or just creating a scene by myself. One of these moments happened to me this NYE and despite my decision not to have any NY resolutions, I then made one, that night.
I must stop getting so crazy and doing stupid things when on a night out or just in general. I lived out my last year's resolution to do everything and live life to the full. But I know now that doesn't necessarily mean getting drunk all the time and generally doing cringy things. I have a guy that actually liked me but because of my drunken actions with someone else, I doubt that had he known he would of no longer been interested. And that upsets me.
SO, 2012 will be the year of fun. Yes, I will drink and go out but I won't be doing things I regret, I won't be messing people around and I will respect everyone else.
This year, I will do what I can to be a better person.
Preaching done.
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