More upbeat.

 Well, I certainly left you all on a depressing note, didn't I?! Apologies for my absence, it really has been a busy couple of months. Back at university and things were looking up after I left you. I've ditched the people I needed to ditch and grew closer to those who supported me. I have managed to escape the confines of Reading multiple times, to Plymouth, to Nottingham and to home twice. The second time, which is where I currently am, is quite by accident and through no fault of my own. 
 My idiot friend, who I have recently reconnected with, which up to this point had been LOVELY, accidentally headbutted me on a night out and broke my nose. Yes, my nose is broken. He is an absolute pillock. I currently have to wear the most unflattering nose splint/cast known to man and have holed myself up at home in Eastbourne in an attempt to avoid everyone and anyone. So far, so good. Tomorrow, I may have to venture outside the confines of my home though and this is, I can tell, going to be HIGHLY embarassing. What makes it worse is the consistent asking of me to send everyone a picture of firstly, my nose when it was broken and secondly, of it in a cast. WHY WOULD I DO THAT, WHY WOULD I LET YOU RELEASE IT ONTO SOCIAL MEDIA?! Idiots. That's all I can say.
 Anyway, onto more, less painful, topic of conversation. Two of my friends (who do not know I have a blog or if they do, I do not know they know) have written recently about their musings and ideas on friendship. I, in the past, on here, have also written about my friends and how much they mean to me and just wish to reiterate this fact. I literally could not have asked for a better group of friends, ever. They keep me going and keep me (in) sane. I love them to death and honestly do not know any other friendship group that works the way that we do, shares as much as we do with one another and makes each other laugh as much as we do. Laughter is key, no matter how down you are, how much you are failing in other areas of your life, if they can make you cry with laughter for a couple of hours, you will instantly feel your faith in the world be renewed. I know that I do. 
 Xo.

It's hard being unhappy.

 Over Christmas and New Year, I had the best month off from university. I got to see the people I love and I had such a good time. I felt myself again, as I always do when I go home. It is true what people say, home is where the heart is. It holds too many memories for it not to be that way.
 Then, I have to return. To university. This is something that should be exciting, something that I should be eager to do. However, it isn't. The thought filled me with dread and unease.
 I didn't want to be around people here. 
 At the end of last term, there was a select group of people who decided they didn't like me and decided to publicise this. Someone who I considered to be one of my best friends here rang me up and assassinated my character. Things weren't working out. I was finding my work difficult. I was too drained to concentrate properly, I felt permanently tired.
 So, I got back. Find out the first assignment that counts toward my degree was marked and I had failed. Fabulous start. 
 I'm a couple of friends down now I'm back and all I want is my real, best friends from home here to make me smile. I can't even be bothered to go on a night out. And that is NOT normal for me.
 Hopefully, life will look up and things will improve but at the current moment, things aren't great.
 Xo.

Bitchy girls and overdramatics.

 Continuing on from my last post's themes, I thought I'd dedicate this post to more personal experiences...
 I am currently living in a house with 6 other girls at university. Now, this does have it's benefits, let's not get that wrong, I mean, there's usually someone around and there is plenty of other people to talk to if you are avoiding one of them.
 However, sadly, I am here to talk of the downfalls of living with girls and well, girls in general. I recently had a catch up with one of my best friends from home who commented that "no-one will ever match the friends we have at home." And sadly, this is something I consider to be, on the whole, the truth. The friendship group we have at home is remarkable; we spend the whole time laughing our heads off at each other's stories, jokes and general taking the absolute piss out of each other.
 At university, most of the girls can't handle having the piss being taken out of them and get offended at the slightest joke that would mark their otherwise perfect exterior. If you said, as a joke, "you've got more chins that a chinese phonebook" (which let's face it, is hilarious), they would give you an icy stare and instantly start examining themselves in the mirror before declaring "that was SO unnecessary."
 I have to watch what I'm saying half the time in case it would hurt someone's feelings or they wouldn't understand. This isn't everyone and this isn't constant but it's a fair bit of the time. I would never have to worry about ANY of that with my friends at home. Some people would argue it's a matter of how long you've known each other; I disagree. I've know them for almost a year and a half now, plenty of time. Plus, there are some of my more special friends here who have been able to take the banter from day one.
 The dramatics, as well, can get very tiresome. Everyone talking about someone to someone else and analysing every single look, action and word. It's ridiculous and too time consuming. People are declaring "there will be drama tonight," making it almost happen from their very words.
 I don't understand why this has to be the case. Can't we all just avoid the people as best as we can that we don't get on with? 
 Girls will lose too much time in life bitching about other girls and worrying about what other people have said about them. Life's too short.
 Xo. 

Small rant.

 I just need to let out a small rant. Nothing major but my goodness aren't there just some BITCHY people in the world. I have been on the receiving end of it sometimes and have also seen many others been on the receiving end of it and all I can say is WHY?! Yes, of course, everyone should express how they feel but why behind each other's backs and why make snide comments? It can ruin someone's day for no good reason and is completely unnecessary. However, I think that's just how girls (and boys) are. They need to make themselves feel better and so bitch about others. It's not nice and it certainly shouldn't make you feel better about yourselves.
 Xo.

Mistakes.

 They say you learn from your mistakes but I am sad to say I do not always do that. In fact, I tend to repeat them. Several times. 
 I'm not sure what it is in my brain that doesn't allow me to comprehend that something was bad and not do it again.
 For example, I really must not get SO drunk. To be fair, I definitely don't get as drunk as often as I used to but when I do it's not always pretty. I should understand that it doesn't look good and I end up massively embarrassing myself and regretting everything. 
 Take today, I am hungover, tired and cringing at last night's activities. I was a wreck and everyone could tell. It's not a good look and it's not something I want to be known/remembered for. I need to take control of situations and ask myself if what I'm doing is a good idea (which usually, it isn't).
 Xo.

Jealousy.

 I've never really thought of myself as a jealous person... because in comparison to many people I am not. However, sometimes, I cannot help myself being overwhelmed by it. It's an ugly, ugly emotion but one that will not go away just by willing it too.
 For example, I am so so happy and grateful I have the group of friends I do. Truly I am. But sometimes, here at university, people I consider my friends, people who have met each other through me, I feel almost jealous that they become friends in their own right. This isn't a common thing and it certainly isn't in many cases at all. But when two of your best friends start seeing each other without you, you can't help but feel a sense of jealousy and loneliness, "why wasn't I invited?" Thing is, you can't say this to someone. It just sounds so petty and childish. Because it is. It's not that they like you any less, they just begin to like someone more. However, I cannot rationalise that to my own head. I keep telling myself stop this. Time wasting. I KNOW I'm being ridiculous but I also know I can't help myself.

 (Completely irrelevant but also always relevant picture of Evan Peters being ridiculously beautiful as always)
Xo.

Second year and reflection.

 So, I've started the second year of university. I have to say over summer I hadn't thought about it much, didn't really consider the implications of passing my first year...
 As soon as we got back it was really nice to just reconnect with my friends and experience the fun of living in a house together and the benefits that can provide.

 (the girls I'm living with)
 Already I've had an argument with arguably one of my closest friends here after a drunken night out in which she decided to yell abuse at me. It was all resolved but not as quickly and neatly as I would have liked. It would be naive of me to expect freshers week to go untarnished. It had been amazing up until that point... 8 nights out in a row, working as a 'Freshers' Angel' (which involved looking after the first years of the halls I used to live in) and generally getting drunk with my friends. Dressing up is not my strong point but I have to say I did have some fun with it...

 Lectures then started in the second week and it all got so intense, so fast. Over summer, I've almost forgotten how to write let alone remember how to focus in concentrated periods of time. It's taken a bit of getting used to. And of course, it is now second year so everything is twice as hard with twice as much work to do. I have 3 9am starts this year compared to the measly one last year and as anyone who knows me at all will know I do NOT do early starts. It is probably one of my weakest points. Early mornings and me will NEVER be friends. Work has already been set, assignments already being discussed, the work that is needed to be done to get a good grade this year drilled into my brain. 
 I have had some time to reflect on this year and last year and panic is beginning to set in. Lacking motivation is something that is quite common amongst my traits and is a real problem I aim to overcome. I can get bursts of intense work ethic but the majority of the time is an up hill struggle. It's not that I don't enjoy what I'm studying, I do. It's just there is so much more fun to be had! Again, anyone who remotely knows me knows that partying is my favourite hobby.

 (Me at my drunken best)

 However, once me and my friend made up we did have Freshers' Ball to look forward to.  Professor Green is my boy! And Kids in Glass Houses' were sick! That's my kind of university experience... 
 Thinking back over summer, I had it relatively easy and even though you cannot exactly call going to university the hard life, it certainly is hard work. Though compared to some of my friends heavy work loads, I can't complain.
 I'm hoping that this year will be a success at the end. I know it won't be easy and there will definitely be times of struggle but in the end it will all be worth it.

Cheers to that.
 Xo.